Penn State's Joe Paterno Gets "Hep" Replacement, Three-Year Extension

Octogenarian Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had “hep replacement” surgery today, just hours after his team clinched a berth in this year’s Rose Bowl, a procedure that apparently updated his Fifties-era slang, as well. Paterno, referred to as “the granddaddy of 'em all,” emerged from surgery beaming, sporting his new grille with the words “what it is, blood” and fist-bumping with his doctors. When asked about the game, he said, "lemme break it on down for y'all, mothafuckas." Paterno then hopped into the back seat of his chauffeur-driven Escalade with hip-hop artist Lil’ Kim and said to the reporters "yo, I’m just gonna chill in the back of my 'lac drinkin' some yac then bust some moves and make it rain, know what I’m sayin?" Penn State regents, realizing Paterno’s huge advantage in recruiting felons over Florida State and Miami, rewarded him with a three-year extension. (link)