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Video: Hitler v. Lampard
 
Thanks to Chelsea Offside reader Rosh for pointing me toward this absolutely hilarious clip. From the movie Downfall — outstanding flick, by the way — Hitler learns of Lampard’s imminent move to Inter Milan. Warning: This piece contains harsh language, so those 12 and under are encouraged to check it out. “And fuck Anelka.”

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Scolari says Lamps stays; Lamps not so sure
 
Luiz Felipe Scolari rolled the out the broken English — I actually thought he was fairly decent — today, and other than calling his management “so-so,” his most glaring contribution to the press conference was his comments regarding Frank Lampard. Uncle Phil said he had spoken with Franky and that he was under the impression that Lamps would remain at Chelsea for ...

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Video: Scolari Speaks
 
Uncle Phil meets the press for the first time as Chelsea manager. If you believe the man, Lampard will be hanging around for “many years.” As for Drogba, Scolari says “he arrived in our base.” Base, eh? Looks like Roman’s bringing the military aspect of his life to the club. Or Scolari’s still mastering the English language. Either way, this is a good ...

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The Net 7.3
 
Chelsea Ladies sign Arsenal Pair Power in the Premier League, ladies that is, may be shifting. Chelsea has inked a pair of former Gunners, Lianne Sanderson and Anita Asante. Both were considered shock exits from Arsenal, which has dominated the women’s league for decades. Sanderson has been the Prem’s top scorer the past two seasons. “Anita and me have won everything at ...

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Chelsea revamps website (Thank God)
 
They’ve done away with the Flash. Can you believe it? Finally, after months of frustration, Chelsea has scrapped its original website design. The club unveiled a completely revamped joint today and, I must say, this is infinitely better than the previous page. Overall, it’s a much cleaner look. It’s much easier to navigate through as well. There’s also loads of ...

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Chelsea: Five Years Later
 
Today marks the fifth anniversary of Roman Abramovich’s takeover of Chelsea. It was the biggest in British football history at the time –£140 million — and, I must say, it has worked out quite well for the club thus far. Two Prem titles, two Carling Cups, one Community Shield, an FA Cup and a Champions League final later, Chelsea is now moving into phase 2 of the ...

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£85mil for Torres?
 
Wait, you thought those Fernando Torres to Chelsea rumors were finally dead? Think again. The Daily Star — one of the most reputable news sources in all the known world — says Roman Abramovich is willing to lift £85 million from his money bin in Duckburg and drop it over Anfield. For the sake of argument, lets say there’s at least a little truth hidden somewhere inside ...

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Bad news: Cashley & Cheryl back together
 
It looks as if throwing up on your lover, especially one that isn’t your wife, in the middle of naughtiness isn’t as bad as you’d think. Cashley’s wife, Cheryl seemed to have severed ties with her hubby following his infamous erotic night on the town in January. Now it appears the two have reconciled after they were seen together on Cheryl’s 25th birthday night . ...

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 Official: Deco in the hizzouse
Official: Deco in the hizzouse
Uncle Phil has jump started his Chelsea revolution with a shock signing — Deco. I know, you can’t believe it either. The former Barcelona midfielder inked a two-year contract with the Blues on an £8 million deal (bargain I say), ...
The Great Lampard Debate
 
The Frank Lampard saga continues to troll on this summer. Questions abound regarding his future, and whether or not he will sign an extension or rush into The Ordinary One’s arms at Inter Milan? The latest bit of rumor comes via France Football Magazine, which claims Lamps has agreed a four-year contract with the Italian champions worth around £5.8 million per. The Telegraph have ...

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Euro Gallery: Ballack
 
Michael Ballack is two wins away from leading Ze Germans to another European championship. Ballack, who opened the tournament in awful fashion, has powered his country back into contention with a pair of superlative performances — against Austria and Portugal. On the cusp of a semifinal date with Turkey, let’s take a visual look at the German captain’s rampaging work thus ...

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The Net 6.25
 
Browse these super cool links now! Oh, and for those of you with a foot fetish, check out Michael Ballack’s kickers at right. The Sun — Phil to land 12million Deco Sky Sports — Ben Sahar set to join Portsmouth on loan? The Daily Mail — Former Chelsea executive suing club for a cool 1million The Times — Ballack eager to committ future to the Chels This ...

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Gallery: Chelsea @ Euro 08
 
Chelsea players haven’t had the best Euro 2008. Well, with the exception of Michael Ballack. Let’s take a visual look back at the Blues’ finest (minus Ballack) in Austria and Switzerland. P.S. I think that Pete Cech ferris wheel gave him a big head.

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Mo Money, Mo Targets
 
Luiz Felipe Scolari, from now on here at the Offside known as Uncle Phil, hasn’t even taken over at Chelsea yet. That hasn’t stopped the rumor mill, and it’s continued ridiculousness, from churning out obscene amounts of transfer speculation regarding the club. A whole heap of numbers is being thrown around, but the one popping up the most is £100mil. Yes, Uncle Phil has a ...

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Who is Steve Kean, and why is Chelsea interested?
 
BBC online is reporting that Chelsea are eyeing Steve Kean for a possible senior coaching role at the club. Let me be the first to say: Who? Kean, currently an assistant at Coventry City, has been the No. 2 to Cookie Coleman since his stoic days at Fulham. During his playing career Kean spent time with Celtic and in Portugal with Académica de Coimbra. Ding! We’ve found a winner. ...

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Sidwell, Out
 
The man every Chelsea supporter knew wouldn’t play — and didn’t — has finally move on (we hope). Sky, among numerous other outlets, are reporting that the Blues and Aston Villa have agreed a £5.5 million transfer fee for Chelsea reserves stud Steve Sidwell. Cashley escorts Siddy out of town. Sidwell spent just a year at the club after moving on a free from ...

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What’s Avram doing in LA?
 
He’s giving Phil Jackson advice. Wait, what? Avram the Gone has been a guest of the NBA’s Los Angeles Lakers this week as the team attempts to revive its championship series with the Boston Celtics. Grant & Phil chatted it up before the Lakers’ 103-98 win in Hollywood on Sunday. “We talked about the situation that happened with Chelsea in the Manchester game, ...

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Ordinary One @ It Again
 
The rivalry between Uncle Phil and The Ordinary One is well-documented. Today, Mourinho buried the hatchet — somewhat. His Ordinariness defended Louie Scolari’s decision to accept the managerial position at Chelsea while still coaching Portugal through a Euro 2008 campaign. “The timing of the news? How can a superclub like Chelsea be publicly without a coach for any ...

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Video: Kalou dishes the dirt
 
In this rousing video, Salomon Kalou is asked a series of season-ending questions. Dude really goes in on Obi-Wan Mikel. The way he describes the Nigerian’s dress, it makes you wonder: Is Obi swinging both ways?

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Drogba droppin’ knowledge — and cash
 
There has been a Didier Drogba sighting. And guess what, he’s doing something commendable. Crazy, I know. Friday, Drogs was in Abidjan promoting his new book to donate a hefty monetary amount to the Grand Bassam orphanage. The Ivory Coast man presented a check for about 2,300 Euros to the facility. He hung out with the kids, before staging a book launch/signing for his latest venture ...

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