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CLEVELAND, OH — Joe Thomas has a broken heart, but it’s slowly healing.
Although Thomas, an avid user of Facebook, contends that the loss of the Scrabulous application is an “utter travesty” and a “nightmarish, doomsday example of corporate indignity,” the 6′7″, 340-lb. lineman has landed on his feet, embracing the new application WordTwist and ...
Tags:
NFL
Braylon Edwards
Joe Thomas
Cleveland Browns
DETROIT, MI — Many members of the Detroit Tigers report that during Todd Jones‘ emotional farewell from the team, in which he hugged many of his teammates and cried, there was a real “air of gayness” about the event.
“For someone who hates gays as much as Todd does, it was really pretty gay,” said Gary [...]
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MLB
Todd Jones
Al Reyes
Gary Sheffield
Detroit Tigers
Miguel Cabrera
Curtis Granderson
GAINESVILLE, FL — Local sports reporter John Trevor wrote a lengthy column absolutely blasting himself for a recent series of comments that he made in which he referred to himself in the third person.
In a column entitled “Who does John Trevor think he is?” Trevor really tore himself a new one for his “holier-than-thou attitude,” [...]
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NCAA Football
Florida Gators
Tim Tebow
NEW YORK, NY — After years of muddling along trying to figure out how to add some drama to their sport, NASCAR officials finally stumbled upon the answer this week, when they placed drivers Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards on probation for their actions following last week’s race.
Busch, who is leading the Sprint Cup Series [...]
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Autos
Kyle Busch
Carl Edwards
NEW YORK, NY — In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter to be known as Principal Liga de Béisbol) must be fluent in Spanish to remain eligible to compete, starting immediately.
Selig cited the growing number [...]
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MLB
Bud Selig
Ichiro Suzuki
Daisuke Matsuzaka
Hideki Okajima
Kazuo Matsui
Erick Aybar
CHICAGO, IL—Oft-maligned columnist Jay Mariotti made his own headlines yesterday when he announced that he was resigning from the Chicago Sun-Times and ceasing all functions of everyday living, and would begin living as a vagrant to hasten the sweet release of death.
The statement read, in part: “It finally dawned on me just what my life [...]
Tags:
NFL
Jay Mariotti
Joe Horn
Tony Reali
Tony Kornheiser
Woody Paige
Ozzie Guillen
HARLEM, N.Y. — Terrell Robinson doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.
Robinson, 17, of Harlem, watched with interest last week as the United States basketball “Redeem Team” handled their competition with relative ease and won a gold medal, restoring the luster to U.S.
hoops.
“I sorta don’t get what the big deal is,” Robinson said. “Me [...]
Tags:
NBA
USA
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Dwyane Wade
Mike Krzyzewski
Dominican Republic
LOS ANGELES, CA — Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he’d been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had requested – and thought that he’d received – when he came over from Boston.
“I’m really pissed right now,” Ramirez said. “When I left Boston, I [...]
Tags:
MLB
Manny Ramirez
Los Angeles Dodgers
Ned Colletti
Joe Torre
Bud Selig
Boston Red Sox
DENVER, CO — Jay Cutler turned the Democratic National Convention on its ear Wednesday night when he made a surprise appearance following Joe Biden’s speech.
Cutler, who had been walking the streets of Denver looking for change in soda machines (just a part of his normal Wednesday behavior) came upon the Pepsi Center and decided to [...]
Tags:
NFL
Jay Cutler
Denver Broncos
NEW ORLEANS, LA — SSNN has learned that pretty much every stripper in New Orleans wants to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey pretty bad right now.
“I gotta be honest, I really want to get nailed by Jeremy Shockey,” said Kristin “Veronique” Davis, 20, of Metairie, LA, who dances at the Hustler Barely Legal club on [...]
Tags:
NFL
New Orleans Saints
Jeremy Shockey
NEW YORK, NY — Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers.
In an unprecedented move, Lucifer has announced that despite his vast powers and abilities as the infernal counterpart to God, there is nothing more he [...]
Tags:
MLB
New York Yankees
Alex Rodriguez
Andy Pettitte
Mariano Rivera
Roger Clemens
Toronto Blue Jays
SOMEWHERE OVER NORTHWEST INDIANA — Dave Thompson was so excited when he sat down on his connection flight from O’Hare to Dulles Thursday night, he could barely speak.
“I sat down, and I looked over, and I realize, ‘Holy shit, I’m sitting next to John Juanda, the famous poker player,’” Thompson said. “I was so [...]
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Olympics
He Kexin
NEW YORK, NY — New York Giants football officials were scrambling today to see if they really owed Michael Strahan $25 million after the retired defensive end turned down their offer to return to the defending Super Bowl champs.
“That’s how it works, right?” Strahan said. “I get $25 million for not playing. That’s the whole [...]
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NFL
Michael Strahan
Brett Favre
New York Giants
Super Bowl
Tom Coughlin
Green Bay Packers
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DENVER, CO — Barack Obama’s fantasy football leaguemates
are growing tired of his antics, and are thinking
about taking some real corrective action against the Illinois senator-turned-presidential candidate. “For the third time, we ...
BEIJING, CHINA — As the Olympics closed, one more scandal rocked the games, as American swimmer Dara Torres was found to be only 41 years old, and not 42 years old as originally presumed.
“We are saddened to find out that yet another athlete has lied about their age in an apparent effort to win favor [...]
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Olympics
Dara Torres
WASHINGTON, D.C. — August 25 has come and gone, and President Bush has informed his staff and the nation at large that he’s “now ready to really get back to work, and to give a strong push for the last few months.”
August 25, of course, is the annual trading deadline in Bush’s rotisserie baseball league, [...]
Tags:
MLB
Albert Pujols
Johan Santana
Matt Holliday
Joe Mauer
Jose Reyes
Raul Ibanez
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BEIJING, CHINA — Ann Curry’s friends and family
report that they’ve been “really annoyed” for over two
weeks, Ms. Curry refuses to refer to the Olympics by any name other than its formal title, the “Games of the 29th Olympiad.” “I’m really having a great time at the Games of the 29th Olympiad here in Beijing,” [...]
BEIJING, CHINA — Bob Costas was spotted in an airport gift shop on Monday morning purchasing last-minute souvenirs for his children, whom he apparently forgot about during his month in Beijing.
“I’ve just been so busy covering the ins and outs of the Olympics that I really haven’t had a chance to consume myself with such [...]
Tags:
Olympics
China
RICHMOND, VA — In a stunning eleventh-hour move, Colonel Robert E. Lee opted out of his contract with the United States and signed with the newly-created Confederate States of America, shocking many who assumed Lee would be promoted to take charge of the army to quash the secession.
Lee cited his home state of Virginia [...]
Tags:
NBA
Robert Esche
USA
Baron Davis
NEW YORK, NY — The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week’s Olympic games.
The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as no surprise, with Michael Phelps making history by winning eight gold medals. Basketball finished in a close second among American viewers.
The big surprise, however, was [...]
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Obama asks to have fantasy football draft rescheduled ...