Between now and the start of the NBA season, Ballhype's NBA Festivus will bring you plenty of reasons you should not be optimistic about your favorite team heading into 2006-07. We start with the squads of the Atlantic Division.

A year ago, this was commonly referred to as the 'Titanic Division.' (Less commonly, it was referred to as the 'Good God! This is Unwatchable, Let the Sweet Lord Have Mercy and Strike Me Blind Until the Second Game of the TNT Double-Header Begins Division' -- a designation less clever but more applicable.) Add three All-Stars, all of a sudden we have the hottest battle for supremacy this side of a Pau Gasol-Juan Carlos Navarro game of Strip Boggle.

So yeah, everyone's excited now. Boston, Toronto -- understandable. Everyone else? Ha ha ha. Go back to sleep for another year or five.

The Airing of Grievances

New York should appreciate the Madison Square Garden legal disaster -- it's the most excitement Knicks fans are going to get all year... unless you consider watching every team with a half-decent big man drop 30 on you. According to 82games.com, last year both Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph watched their teams put up defensive ratings of 111 while said dudes were in the game. (That's about five points/100 possessions worse than average for the league. Orlando and Portland had equal offensive ratings, but Portland's defensive rating was five points lower. That difference meant eight wins.) The problem with a Curry-Randolph frontcourt on offense -- only one will help you any given possession. Curry's a turnover machine and even Kobe Bryant thinks Z-Bo needs to pass more. Talk all you want about the two-headed hydra of post malice -- one is going to be completely bored every time the other gets the ball. Might as well replace Spike Lee with a hot dog vendor and make it worth Eddy and Z-Bo's time.

The saddest part of this? Zach and Eddy are the Knicks' only hope! David Lee is still white, which means he'll still be in Isiah Thomas' doghouse all year. (You can smell the Lee-for-Artest trade, can't you?) By my estimations, Jamal Crawford would need to shoot 37 times a game to make the league's top 10 scoring list. Stephon Marbury rivals Kenneth Lay as the worst employee to ever make $20 million a year. A 6'8 Fraggle is the team's best defender and a 5'9 point guard is the team's designated tough guy. This team isn't close to good enough to overcome off-court distractions... yet they have possibly the first clinically brain-dead management team in professional sports history in Zeke and James Dolan. (Though I guess Al Davis' comatose body beat them by a decade, if we're being accurate.) It will be a FESTIVUS MIRACLE if New York finishes .500.

But that doesn't mean Philadelphia should punch its playoff tickets. When things were looking up following the Allen Iverson trade last year, I warned you. You can have all the young talent and draft picks in the world -- but it doesn't mean a damn thing if Billy King is still calling the shots come June. Guess what? Billy King called the shots in June. And what happened in the absolutely stacked draft? King picked Thad Young at #12 (that will look brilliant in six years when he's making $10 million a year to give you 15/5) and a white power forward from Colorado (sorry, I think I just ran out of red flags) at #20.

Deciding to get funky with it, watch what King does next: He trades his #30 pick for Portland's #42 (?) and his #38 for Utah's #55 (?!). And #30 (Petteri Koponen) and #38 (Kyrylo Fesenko) were highly sought internationals who wouldn't have cost Philly a dime if they stashed them overseas. Meanwhile, King's bounty will cost the Sixers roughly $8 million (counting luxury tax) for the expected (and generous) total output of, say, 8 pts/4 rebs/1 ast. AWESOME. Forget the actual ramifications -- just try to find the logic behind the moves. He traded down a combined 29 spots for absolutely no reason (unless Louis Williams is secretly allergic to both Finns and Ukrainians). You trust him to get the right return for Andre Miller, or get Andre Iguodala locked up properly? (Oh yeah: Iggy, the one very worthwhile youngster King has had the past five years, doesn't have an extension yet. This from the general manager who made sure to lock up Willie Green long-term a year BEFORE he went restricted and a week AFTER he tore his ACL. And this was WILLIE GREEN.)

New Jersey fans shouldn't see life so bleak... in the immediate. As always, the Nets should slide into the playoffs and maybe even rouse some rabble, Kidd-willing. But let's look to the near future, when Jason Kidd (now 34 years old) moves on, retires, or gets traded. New Jersey's future beyond Kidd: the 4th or 5th best player in recent University of Arizona history, a 30something volume scorer who relies on athleticism and creepy eyebrows, a point guard who got busted in college for robbery, a young center who got busted in college for dope, and a 7-footer who will probably never average 8 rebounds a game. Seriously, subtract Kidd... and exactly which fan base would clamor to swap rosters with New Jersey? Maybe Indiana or the Clippers (if Elton Brand's leg come off along with the cast)? And the Nets can't exactly get better midseason. If they trade Kidd, they're hitting the cellar quickly. Not even the unholy stem cell lovechild of the Billies King and Knight would trade for Carter. The only hope: Pull off a Jermaine O'Neal for Jefferson and Krstic heist, and get Larry Bird admitted to Betty Ford (or King's Park). Bird and Donnie Walsh have been made fools of frequently in modern times, but the bleeding has to stop at some point. The Nets' only bankable way to plausible lies in betting against that sanity clot hitting Indy.

Toronto and Boston are, obviously, in much better shape than their Atlantic brethren. But things are far from perfect. Boston? Two words: Rajon Rondo. The point guard situation for the Massholes has been bludgeoned into the ground repeatedly, so I won't bore you too much further. But I will say this: at least 50 NBA point guards with at least 500 minutes played shot better than Rondo last season, and only Steve Francis and Sarunas Jasikevicius had turnover rates as bad. Other than that, Rajon was fantastic. Ray Allen going to play a little point? Both Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett average more assists per game on their career than Shuttlesworth. (So really, Boston's point guard savior is Tony Allen... a guy who was implicated in a night club shooting [but eventually absolved of guilt on those counts] one year and busted his ACL on an after-the-whistle dunk attempt the next season. Fingers crossed, right?)

Meanwhile, Toronto's rotation players just combined to play something like 1,000 minutes of international play at Eurobasket. Jorge Garbajosa spent a month jumping around on a broken leg which still may require surgery (training camp starts in two weeks, by the way) and Chris Bosh -- who spent most of a month on the shelf last year with knee problems -- pulled out of Team USA's summer games because of a foot injury. At least Toronto improved in the free agent market by signing a guy who does one thing well (and everything else horribly) and has had one good season his entire career (said good season resulted in a whopping PER of 13.9) to a long-term deal. If that's not responsible team-building, I don't know what is.

Festivus Miracles

It will be miraculous if...

The Knicks finish the season .500 or better.

Boston doesn't hyperventilate so madly the first time one of The Big Three misses a game a vortex powerful enough to capture Bill Belichick's enormous ego forms.

Rajon Rondo shoots at least 33 percent from three on the season.

Isiah Thomas has a job on April 19, 2008.

The Knicks beat the Anucha Browne Sanders rap.

Jorge Garbajosa's magic leg lets him play at least 75 games.

Jason Kapono looks like a good signing come the playoffs.

Billy King makes zero ridiculous decisions before next July 1. (Let's limit this to 'personnel' decisions -- I won't be mad at Billy if he chooses the fish at dinner this weekend.)

A 76er makes the All-Rookie team.

New Jersey wins the division without landing Jermaine O'Neal or a similar level of player while keeping Jason Kidd.

Feats of Strength

With a nod to Colbert, I argue with the only person who will listen to me over some key Atlantic issues. We start with the Boston Celtics.

Ziller #1: Teams don't get to the Finals with terrible point guards, and Rajon Rondo might be below average for a back-up point guard. Boston made a huge mistake by not going after Brevin Knight. But hey, maybe Doc Rivers can run out there for a few minutes a night. Couldn't hurt the team worse than he will from the sidelines.

Ziller #2: Two words -- Cleveland Cavaliers. Rondo can't be worse then Eric Snow. (Doc Rivers can't be worse than Eric Snow. Red Auerbach's corpse can't be worse than Eric Snow.) Boston will be fine -- Rondo has two hands and two legs, he has three all-pros around him. Derek Fisher helped win the Lakers three titles. Rondo's weakness is shooting, and he won't need to shoot at all with Pierce, Allen and Garnett. Plus, Tony Allen played great last year when he was alive. He looks alive right now, and he might start at point in November. Boston's a lock for the top half of the playoffs, and a favorite for the Finals.

Ziller #1: Yeah, Boston's a favorite over Cleveland, Detroit, Miami and Chicago... and Mike Sweetney celebrates Ramadan. In case you haven't noticed, most of the rest of the East got better over the summer. Even Cleveland -- having LeBron a year closer to his prime after he's made the NBA Finals... does that spell regression to you? Boston got better, certainly. But the 6th seed isn't worth the luxury tax for the next 17 years.

Ziller #2: Cleveland had a cakewalk through the playoffs until the ECF. There's no way that team is better than Boston, especially until they settle their point guard issue.

Ziller #1: Point guard issue?

Ziller #2: Shut up.

Ziller #1: Seriously, how is this team different from the Hakeem-Barkley-Drexler Rockets?

Ziller #2: Boston's Three are still in their primes, while Houston's were as close to 'dead men walking' as you get. And that Houston team still got to the conference finals in a stacked West.

Ziller #1: But Houston had a superior supporting cast (Mario Elie, Kevin Willis) and a coach 10 times better than Doc. Take away Elie and Rudy Tomjanovich and that team doesn't get past Seattle.

Ziller #2: Even Doc can't screw this up. The Wizards were on top of the East for a while last year, and Boston's trio is a very solid degree better than Washington's. And Washington doesn't exactly have a bunch of stars on the bench. (Apologies, Spencer Brendan Haywood.)

Ziller #1: Moving south, the Knicks can't honestly believe they're contenders, can they?

Ziller #2: In fairness, Zach Randolph is one of the best bigs in the league on offense, and he can rebound on the defensive end... which shores up Curry's weakness there. If Randolph and Curry combine to average 40-45 points a night, they'll have a puncher's chance against every team in the league, especially since Crawford and Richardson will be the two other scorers. And even if David Lee stays on the bench, he's proven he can produce from there.

Ziller #1: David Lee's production, Z-Bo's 20&10, and Nate Robinson's mistaken swag are the only things MSG patrons can count on this year. Well, and some sexual harassment, I guess...

Ziller #2: After the Denver fight last year, Zeke proved he can lead his team through the chaos around it. If anything, this scandal could galvanize the squad around Zeke.

Ziller #1: That'll be great when Zeke's watching from his couch and Herb Williams is coaching the team. Maybe they'll take Isiah a casserole or something. New York might be the only team in the league whose second unit could beat its first team. Lee, Robinson, Balkman... Jared Jeffries and Jerome James. Never mind.

Ziller #2: Admit it, if not for the Garnett trade, the Knicks would have the biggest bandwagon going to the season. Spike Lee don't lie.

Ziller #1: Bandwagons prove nothing. New York's the 4th best team in the Atlantic -- and that's optimistic. Toronto and New Jersey are clearly playoff teams, even as presently constructed. My issue is that neither has really improved themselves this offseason. Toronto gets a bit of a pass, since Bryan Colangelo is building for the near future. But the Nets risk wasting the end of Jason Kidd's career. That's a crime.

Ziller #2: If Krstic and Jefferson stay healthy, New Jersey's as good as any team in the East. But Toronto played over its head last year. Bosh will continue to improve, and Bargnani should get better... but there's no way both T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon keep it up.

Ziller #1: Ford and Calderon are fine; of all Spain's stars, Calderon's in the best shape heading into the season based on the minutes he'll play. Garbajosa, though? That guy's a season-ending surgery waiting to happen. And I'm not sure I see the wisdom in retaining Sam Mitchell. Yeah, he had a great season; Toronto overachieved. But could everyone have been so wrong about this guy a year ago? You built your roster for another type of coach, and now you're stuck with this guy for the foreseeable future. The Raptors aren't exactly a franchise who can pay coaches to go away.

Ziller #2: They couldn't let Mitchell go. If they did and Marc Iavaroni got off to a bad start, Colangelo would've lost the fans. That playoff run was too big for Toronto, and Colangelo showed he understands the fans. I actually think it's good to have a coach who brings something to the table the roster doesn't. For Toronto, that's defense.

Ziller #1: Can't wait to see Smitch out there in the crouch. Regardless of the coach, Toronto's still highly underrated on the entertainment scale. That they don't get more national TV love is an outrage. But outside of Boston, none of the Atlantic will be on ESPN, ABC or TNT much. That's too bad -- I was looking forward to watching the end of Isiah's NBA career.

The Human Fund

It's time to get a bit more sincere.

Final Standings:

1. Boston (49-33)

2. Toronto (45-37)

3. New Jersey (41-41)

4. New York (37-45)

5. Philadelphia (35-47)

------------------------------------
Atlantic MVP: Chris Bosh.

Atlantic ROY: Do I have to? Sean Williams, I guess. (Betting on that Krstic injury!)

All-Stars: Garnett, Pierce, Bosh, Kidd, Carter, Randolph.

All-NBA: Garnett (2nd team), Bosh (3rd team), Kidd (3rd team).

Playoffs (Seed): Boston (3rd), Toronto (6th), NJ (7th).

Isiah's Pink Slip: December 12.

Next week: The Southeast Division! (Beware, Rashard Lewis.)