Email Story
NBA Festivus: Central Edition
tziller posted 10/4/2007 from ballhype.com
Between now and the start of the NBA season, Ballhype's NBA Festivus will bring you plenty of reasons you should not be optimistic about your favorite team heading into 2006-07. Previously: The Atlantic and the Southeast. Now serving: The Central Division.
The Central Division boasted four teams in the playoff thicket most of 2006-07, to go along with... well, the Bucks. Those Bucks had a nervous offseason while the other teams just kind-of sat around and chilled for the most part. For teams with severe deficiencies exposed in the postseason, there wasn't a ton of movement. Will the hold steady strategy work? Prognosis: Doubtful.
The Airing of Grievances
Milwaukee easily had the most interesting offseason of the Central teams. You know what all that chatter equated to? A possibly 37-year-old Asian version of Jamie Kennedy's character in Malibu's Most Wanted. No seriously, Yi Jianlian's probably only 23 years old... no big deal for the 6th overall pick in a tremendously stacked draft. You really can't say enough about the size of Larry Harris' balls in drafting Yi (who pretty much the one city he didn't want to land in was Milwaukee). But for a long time it looked as if Larry's balls, stuck in a vise for two months, were going to get squeezed. It took a diplomatic visit from a United States Senator to get Yi to Wisconsin; if Harris was the general manager of, say, George Shinn's Hornets, I can't imagine the same gambit would have been successful. And as Billy Knight's Vancouver reign of terror proved, you do not play with fire at the top of the first round.
The Yi success (and the testicular reprieve) emboldened Harris. He openly taunted Miami into thinking they could pull Maurice Williams for the midlevel exception (ha ha ha! good one Larry) and then tempted Pat Riley to offer Charlie Bell five years. Harris of course paid Williams and matched the Bell offer... despite Bell telling All that risk, all that helter skelter negotiating -- and for what? Williams and Bell are the same two point guards Michael Redd went to war with last year. Ruben Patterson is gone, Brian Skinner is gone, Earl Boykins is gone. Yi is the only addition... and he comes with guaranteed playing time (25 minutes a game). If he's good, great. If he sucks? Adam Morrison Part 2. Last year, this team won a grand total of... 28 games. And you could argue they got worse. It would take unprecedented health from Redd, Bobby Simmons and Charlie Villanueva, combined with an electric debut for Yi, for this team to even think about the playoffs.
That said, Milwaukee is virtually assured immunity from last place in the division, courtesy one Larry Joe Bird. Honestly, I do believe Isiah Thomas is innocent at heart. I think Larry Legend paid Zeke (in methadone and hookers) to sexually harass every person with hair past their ears who stepped into Madison Square Garden (sorry Mike Miller) in order to distract everyone from the fact Bird himself has turned into a complete abomination of a basketball mind. Last summer, you'd have been hard-pressed to find someone to take either Troy Murphy or Mike Dunleavy Jr. off Golden State's hands... and if someone would rescue Chris Mullin from either of those contract, they wouldn't need to give any real talent up. Bird not only took one, he not only took both -- he took both and gave up two talented and fairly compensated players (one of whom Golden State openly lusted after all summer) in the process. The only way this move could have been salvaged was if Ike Diogu turned into a borderline All-Star talent. Diogu played 12.8 minutes a game in Indy, with nary the suggestion from Bird to Rick Carlisle that, say, this player we essentially just mortgaged the season for maybe should get some floor time possibly. He didn't, losing Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington hurt (shocking!) and the team went on a 6-23 run to end the season, despite holding onto a playoff spot until April. Good times.
At least Bird would spend the time righting the ship... right? Stanko Barac + Travis Diener /= improvement. At least Bird could have gotten the rebuild effort started by sending Jermaine O'Neal to L.A. or N.J. for some combination of youth and beauty, especially considering the epic pressure Kobe put on Mitch Kupchak to get something done. But that would make sense, and nothing Bird's done in two years has made sense. What are we left with? A terrible offense, a middling defense, tons of massive contracts, nearly no promising youth, no yellow brick road -- nothing. This is the most depressing roster in the league. One star, a guy who will almost assuredly be gone by March and won't bring you a bucket of gold in return anyway. The rest? Muck. Lots and lots of muck. And Stanko.
It was just a few years ago Indiana and Detroit were locked in war for the Eastern crown, though. Ron Artest's infidelity and Bird's inactivity led Indy to the basement; Joe Dumars has been able to keep Detroit afloat if not straight-up at the top. But it's getting harder. Losing to Shaquille O'Neal and Dwyane Wade is one thing; suffering at the hands LeBron James & The Pips is more distressing. A year after relinquishing Ben Wallace to Chicago, the Pistons are left with Nazr Mohammed as the last remaining center. Nazr's not a terrible player... on most teams. With Detroit, something doesn't quite mix. So we take Detroit's best bench player of the last few years (Antonio McDyess) and stick him in the starting lineup, while sending Rasheed Wallace up a weight class. Were it not for two ballyhooed youngsters, Detroit fans would be apoplectic. But Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson have so captured imaginations, hearts and soccer mom G-strings that Pistons fans actually feel better about this incarnation. ?!? Maxiell could be considered a good rebounder if he played small forward. (He doesn't.) His offensive repertoire is, literally, entirely made up of crushing the ball through the rim. He's a burly defender... but he's 6'7. If he's your great savage hope, you better trade your cow for some magic beans.
But he's not the great savage hope -- that distinction belongs to Amir Johnson, Free Darko patron saint of 2007 and beyond. Amir wrecked the D-League last year, drawing a fresh contract from Detroit and discussion of a future max deal from at least one interested party. Amir can vaguely be referenced as a juco KG, or a maniacal Antawn Jamison with Shawn Marion's thighs and calves. Suffice it to say the NBA's outskirt aesthetics cultists and Detroit fans alike view Amir as Jesus risen, completely based on box scores and YouTube. I'm all for it, nearly 100%. This set of photographs should either be enshrined in a Roman tourist trap or stuffed in an evidence locker. I am prepared to submit to the Amir regime with all my heart. But... he was a D-League All-Star, and that's it. Louis Amundson has a more full NBA oeuvre today. I detest heartbreak, so forgive me for reserving a bit of myself in case this all doesn't work out and Amir isn't a(n) (r)evolutionary specimen. I'm sorry.Histrionics aside, the Pistons kept Chauncey Billups with a ridiculously reasonable contract, added two youthful swings who may or may not see the light of day, and just said no to Chris Webber and the midlevel contract. The
Saunders' subextraordinary foil a year ago was LeBron James. Don't get me wrong -- LeBron Cleveland has been eclipsed by a starless cast of strongmen, a mash of miscellaneously talented snowflakes reinforced only by their own improvement and the NBA's Sideshow Bob. Chicago should be Kings of the Central this spring, though standing pat doesn't make anyone any more confident. There wasn't financial room for vast improvement, sure; but it's October 4 and a Luol Deng extension, never mind Ben Gordon, seems not imminent. Joe Smith is a better veteran than he ever was a young stud, but he's not the missing piece of anything but the Golden State Warriors Class of 1998 Reunion Tour (starring Felton Spencer). Noah is fine; do you expect him to abuse Kendrick Perkins or Rasheed or Gooden or Shaq in the post? Deng should be an All-Star; Gordon and Kirk Hinrich should continue to be above average. The sum is certainly something, but looking at the finances and talent of this franchise over the past two years and tell me there shouldn't be something more here. Broken record or whatever, but Chicago clearly missed its opportunity to make itself indisputable as the Eastern heir. By June, we'll find out if Boston's supplanted them completely. Fiscal responsibility doesn't mean a damn thing to Mr. Larry O'Brien.
Festivus Miracles
It will be miraculous if...
Jermaine O'Neal is a Pacer on February 22, 2008.
Cleveland makes it back to the Finals without dealing for a starter.
Drew Gooden tops the 2007 ducktail. (R.I.P.)
Detroit remains a top-six defense.
The Pistons don't make the conference finals and Flip Saunders keeps his job.
The Bulls aren't a top-four seed.
A season preview of the Bulls gets written without the lack of a post scorer being mentioned.
A member of the 2007-08 Milwaukee Bucks not named Michael Redd ever makes an All-Star team.
Troy Murphy justifies his contract.
Mike Dunleavy, Jr. justifies his contract.
Jamaal Tinsley justifies his roster spot in the National Basketball Association.
Neither Ike Diogu nor Travis Diener ranks among the top seven in Most Improved Player voting.
Tyrus Thomas doesn't punch out Joakim Noah by Easter.
Feats of Strength
With a nod to Colbert, I argue with the only person who will listen to me over some key Central issues. We start with prospects of the Pacers and the plight of Jermaine O'Neal. And we thank Howie for immortalizing us in JPEG format.
Ziller #1: Will Indiana get anything of serious worth for J.O.?Ziller #2: Not if everyone stays sane. O'Neal, at this point, is an able post scorer who could make even the Suns offense stutter and a supreme post defender. No contending teams which need a defensive post presence can afford to watch their offense die for 15-20 possessions a night; no contending teams which desperately need post scoring will pay a premium in talent for a primarily defensive center/power forward. Only L.A. makes sense, and they could trade everyone but Kobe and not lose serious worth.
Ziller #1: J.O.'s perfect for the Lakers, and I think some combination of Andrew Bynum, cap space, and picks is serious worth. Really, just by admitting defeat Indy would be better off. Let Diogu and Danny Granger play a ton of minutes, try to find a home for the ornery contracts, simmer for two years. Not that hard or even really painful, given the amazing decade-and-a-half run.
Ziller #2: Indiana has to get some wing help if it trades J.O., which is why a Bynum trade doesn't work. It's actually shocking how hard Larry Bird got worked over by Peja Stojakovic and Byron Scott. That was the team's best shot at a passable shooting guard; Shawne Williams's best-case scenario probably isn't NBA starter and Dunleavy's a complete disaster; he makes Keith Van Horn upset at the wasted skillset.
Ziller #1: Indy needs help period, and keeping J.O. doesn't make any sense. If Bynum's your best offer, you take Bynum. But whatever, the Pacers suck and are boring and no one even cares about them. Who is the best team in this division? I vote Bulls.
Ziller #2: A team who dribbles and shoots all day; can't lose with that, can you? The Pistons didn't have a particularly sharp postseason last year and they pretty much thrashed Chicago in May. Joakim Noah is the big addition. Maybe he should ask Tyrus Thomas how life is as a rookie on Scott Skiles team. Unless Luol Deng explodes -- and maybe even if he does -- this team treads water.Ziller #1: With the exception of Ben Wallace, the entire team is young. Young players typically improve. Thus, a team of young players should likely improve. And the Bulls were clearly among the top 3 in the East during the regular season, and might have made the Finals in Cleveland's stead had they not blown the plush two-seed the last night of the season.
Ziller #2: We're talking about a 49-win team with no stars. This isn't the 2004 Pistons, and anyone who thinks so is insane.
Ziller #1: So the Cavaliers are poised to repeat?
Ziller #2: LeBron James almost singlehandedly beat the Pistons last year; with a brand new jumper, why wouldn't he do it again?
Ziller #1: Because he has even less help than last year... and his help last year was awful.
Ziller #2: Underrate Devin Brown at your own peril. And it's not like Gooden is a terrible power forward. And Varejao and Pavlovic will both be back by November; they have nowhere to run.
Ziller #1: Detroit has actually improved though, and it took super-human poise from LeBron to pull it off last year. He can't pull something like that out every year.
Ziller #2: How has Detroit improved? Since when was a D-League All-Star -- not even the D-League MVP, mind you -- an X-factor for a championship team? And where did Sheed and Billups and Rip Hamilton find their time machine? Because I need one of those. That fish last night was a bad choice.
Ziller #1: Your mom was a bad choice.
Ziller #2: Touche.
The Human Fund
It's time to get a bit more sincere.
Final Standings
1. Chicago (52-30)
2. Detroit (51-31)
3. Cleveland (50-32)
4. Milwaukee (31-51)
5. Indiana (25-57)
-------------------------
Central MVP: LeBron James (bold, I know)
Central ROY: Joakim Noah
All-Stars: Billups, Luol Deng, LeBron, Jermaine, Redd
All-NBA: LeBron (1st), Billups (2nd)
Playoffs (Seed): Chicago (1), Detroit (2), Cleveland (5)
Earliest Major Media Kerfuffle Regarding How LeBron Can't Wait to Take His Ass to New York: Nov. 2.
Next week: The Southwest.
