Between now and the start of the NBA season, Ballhype's NBA Festivus will bring you plenty of reasons you should not be optimistic about your favorite team heading into 2007-08. Previously: The Atlantic and the Southeast, the Central and the Southwest. Now serving: The Great Northwest.

The center of the basketball universe supposedly moved to the Pacific Northwest on May 22, the night Portland and Seattle slipped into the top two picks in the draft. So how's that working out? Yeah, we'll get back to you in five years. No problem.

Airing of Grievances

It's hard to blame the five Northwestern teams for much of anything that happened this summer. You know, the Jazz didn't ask Andrei Kirilenko to bruise his petulance bone and get whiny. Portland didn't request season-ending microfracture surgery on their savior. Seattle management didn't ask its fan base to revolt and actually sue the team. Denver didn't want to downgrade at point guard and watch their self-destructive two-guard self-destruct. And Minnesota certainly wasn't praying for the opportunity to trade one of the 20 greatest players of all-time.

Or were they? This might seem weird to hear; it may very well be a dumb thing to say about a team which hasn't made the postseason in three years. But here it is: Minnesota has not been awful with Kevin Garnett lately. Minnesota was in the playoff hunt until late in the season each of the past three years; in the first year of post-Cassell/Sprewell decay, the Wolves finished with 44 wins -- one too few for the eighth seed. (That would've gotten you the sixth seed last year.) 2005-06 was crappy, but Minny's record looks worse than visuals suggested because the team out-and-out tanked the final month (in a terrible drafting year, nonetheless). The Wolves actually had a better record than the Kings did when the Ron Artest trade went down -- as the Kings rose, the Wolves tapered. (On purpose.) Last year? The team was .500 and looking playoff-bound when Dwane Casey got shown the door. Dwane Casey had a team whose roster behind KG read "rookie Randy Foye, aging Mike James, Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, injured Troy Hudson, Marko Jaric, injured Rashad McCants, meditating Mark Madsen" -- he had them at .500 and in the top 10 in defense. And Kevin McHale fired him. And you know what Kevin McHale said when he fired Casey? He said "he felt the team's talent level was consistent with the 2004 squad, which won 58 games."

Even Tara Reid calls bullsh*t on that. Casey was coaching his ass off, keeping an inferior team close enough to win many nights with only KG and Trenton Hassell performing at a level above the average NBA player. (Pretty much every Minnesota guard, including Foye, was terrible last year.) And he got canned for a guy with a career winning percentage lower than Neifi Perez's career batting average. (Slight exaggeration.) I mean, that single move and justification completely sums up Kevin McHale's crimes against Garnett. McHale failed Garnett and the fans of the Timberwolves completely, but it didn't become official until he canned Casey and handed the team to the lottery. KG, for all his team's problems, had Minny in at least playoff talk every year. That was too good for McHale. So he traded his filet mignon for a decent sirloin and some used mashed potatoes.

You want to see terrible? Garnett's Wolves were nothing, General McHale. You're about to see terrible. Al Jefferson at his best is just below All-Star status in the West... and that's about the only thing worth looking forward to. Corey Brewer or Gerald Green are going to fix this team? Free agents are going to clamor for a T-Wolves shirt through the next two summers? Good luck with that, homeslice. Goooood luck.

Minnesota has few competitors for Worst of the West status. Two of those leading candidates also reside in the rebuilt Northwest, though. One is Seattle. And honestly, if we're talking about basketball, I can't complain one bit about Seattle's summer. Kevin Durant was a nice head start. So you get him a Pippen, a Delonte West and cap room in exchange for your pricey old star (who would be blocking Durant's growth anyway). You manage to leverage a fleeing free agent you have zero intention of keeping into a draft pick and a trade exception... which allows you to pick up two more draft picks, as well as an expiring contract player who will be highly sought near the deadline (due to basketball reasons) and will likely net you another asset. I should repeat this: Seattle basically traded the rights to pay Rashard Lewis $100 million for three picks and six months of Kurt Thomas. I can't say a bad word about Sam Presti; his summer diary will be required reading for all basketball fans in a few decades. It was masterful. Of course, Seattle heads themselves get to enjoy it for 12 probably horrible months... maybe 24, before Presti's boss loads up the wagon (literally) and tosses a Molotov cocktail over his shoulder, screaming "OKIE FOR LIFE, SUCKAS!" Seriously: Hey Seattle, you get to sit through the long 'growing pains' season for this young team. When things actually start to get exciting, we're out like Troy Aikman. Thanks for the memories.

Portland's not going be very good either. Chances are, with Greg Oden anchoring the defense, they'd have been pretty good. Some folks were murmuring playoffs. We'll never know... well, actually we'll know in 2008-09, Oden's new rookie year. For now? Let's rerun Portland's 32-win season, only let's get rid of the only All-Star level talent, let's re-aggravate the sole playmaker's injury, let's throw in one more average point guard and a fairly questionable power forward to muddy things up a bit.... aaaaand action. Feel the excitement! Seriously, if Brandon Roy misses close to 25 games again, Portland might offer the worst offense in the history of the modern NBA. Last year with an offensive stud at power forward, the team was 22nd in the league on offense. Without Randolph on the court, the offense scored 103.6 points per 100 possessions. Much of that would be against second-string defenses (since minutes without Z-Bo would be bench minutes). Imagine that offense against first-string defenses. Fun! There are just no shot creators on this team past Roy. It's going to come down to Jarrett Jack and Steve Blake penetration (I can't wait) or Travis Outlaw turning into Carmelo Anthony (my eyes are tingling... or burning). Portland needs R.O.Y. to play at least 75 games for the team to have a shot at improving on the 32 wins from last year... and even then it might be a misstep of confidence to bet on that. This will be one bad team, folks.

Luckily, there are two decent teams in the Northwest. In fact, there may be two very good teams in this division. Denver made an appearance in its rendezvous with the Spurs; nothing but Steve Blake has actually been lost this summer. Considering the odd schedule Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson were put on, you'd expect a summer of saute and simmer to better incorporate the ingredients... except Iverson didn't actually seem to improve the Nuggets offense last year. With Anthony on the floor, the team's offensive efficiency was 111.4. (That's staggeringly good.) With Iverson on the floor, that figure was 108.1. (Pretty damn good still.) With Iverson on the court with Melo and three random Nuggs, Denver had an offensive efficiency of... 107.0. Huh? The offense was actually better when only one of them was on the court. This is susceptible to sample size issues, but it forces understanding Melo and Iver Anderson didn't exactly blow folks out of the water as a tandem. There's little doubt both are incredible offensive weapons, but the early returns don't suggest Megatron forming. Which is fine, because there are other offensive options here. J.R. Smith has George Karl's confidence and Marcus Camby is a lock to get in 70 games again (despite averaging 57/season for his career) and Chucky Atkins, he's the king of running up-tempo offenses. Title or bust, fools.

One last Northwest contender, the default division champ: Utah. Now this is a good offense, though you wouldn't know it due to the soft pace. Only Phoenix and Dallas boasted better offenses last season, actually, which seems strange for a Jerry Sloan squad with no true offensive superstars (though healthy Carlos Boozer and maturing Deron Williams are asking for business cards) and piss-poor two-guard performance. Andrei Kirilenko got Boris Diaw'd in the mix though, and well he's just not happy with that. (Never mind his Utah Jazz never made the postseason, let alone the WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS.) So instead of a summer with some Team USA confidence-building and some bench tweaking and some 'finding a two-guard with a pulse'... the Jazz dealt with the whiniest Russian since Stalin's Cocker Spaniel. Team success not good enough! Demand personal fulfillment at expense of championship aspirations! Hate playing with Turk and Baked Alaskan! (How is this not Boozer's nickname, by the way?) Of course, the team sided with the jackass and told Sloan -- the undisputed king of Salt Lake for the past 20 seasons -- to be kind and unwind. Larry Miller has a number of ridiculous moments under his belt (not the least of which is his one-man statistical revolution ); telling Sloan to go easy on this selfish jerkhole whose now your third most important player at best? Brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Festivus Miracles

It will be miraculous if...

The Jazz get back to the conference finals.

Jerry Sloan has no problem completely changing his personality and coaching style to suit an overpaid, petulant roleplayer.

A major publication names Kevin McHale the best executive in the NBA.

Minnesota wins 30 games.

Portland's offense improves from 22nd in the NBA.

Josh McRoberts makes another appearance in the Hollywood gossip columns.

David Stern saves Seattle's place in the NBA.

Kevin Durant doesn't finish top two in R.O.Y. voting.

J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin make major contributions for the Nuggets in the playoffs.

George Karl doesn't come off as a complete douche at least once during the season.

Feats of Strength

With a nod to Colbert, I argue with the only people who will listen to me argue (and even that's iffy) some key Northwest topics. We start with those glorious Timberwolves.

Ziller: This is like a reverse Three's Company. I guess I'm Chrissy.

Bizarro Ziller: You are so Janet.

Ziller: Well, you are kind-of a whore...

Lady Ziller: Alright girls, aren't we supposed to be talking about basketball? I studied up this week.

Ziller: Right. Minnesota finally did the unthinkable of unloading Kevin Garnett for a bag of crap. They will be forever terrible.

Bizarro: In a few years, they should be better.

Ziller: Al Jefferson's that good, huh?

Bizarro: No.

Ziller: You think they'll be able to pull free agents?

Bizarro: No.

Ziller: Then how will they be better?

Bizarro: Kevin McHale won't be making potty all over the locker room.

Lady: Wasn't he on Cheers once? I saw Diane guest on some show last week; God, she looks rougher than Carlos Boozer's chest.

Bizarro: Not a fan of a manly torso, are you Sally?

Lady: Well, it was that joke or one about Brandon Roy's acne. I have a heart.

Ziller: <coughs> ... OK, clearly the Timberwolves are not long for serious discussion. How about this Melo-Iverson pairing? Will it pay dividends this year, or is it a failed experiment?

Bizarro: It's misspent offense. Anthony doesn't need another playmaker -- he needs some folks to hit some jumpers, some more Linas Kleizas. Iverson's penetration and perimeter freelancing isn't going to make Melo any more open than he already would be due to his elite talent. And A.I.'s jumper certainly isn't going to help.

Ziller: I disagree, to a point. Carmelo's top trait is his relentlessness, his push-push-push attitude. Who else is exactly the same? Iverson. They can really wear teams down on that end, and while neither is an elite defender, it could transfer over to the other end. And they have Marcus Camby, who might be the best defensive center in basketball.

Bizarro: ... when he's on the court. He got 70 games last year and that was a good season. Without him and dearly departed Reggie Evans, they're relying on Kenyon and Nene to do all the defensive work. I doubt J.R. Smith will start a game this year; if they can find a backup defensive big to hedge against Camby's health record in exchange for J.R., they have to pull the trigger.

Ziller: Steven Hunter's not bad -- he and Samuel Dalembert actually formed a nice tandem last year. He's not Camby, of course, but he should be able to fill the gaps when necessary. If Camby stays healthy, this team could have an above-average defense to go with its plausibly elite offense. Those types of teams go deep.

Lady: This all relies on rebounding, of course, and Melo hasn't shown to be an acceptable rebounder at his position. Evans for Hunter is a downgrade up front; Chucky Atkins isn't going to make a difference in the backcourt. Frankly, Melo has to improve his rebounding for this team to meaningfully improve -- no team with Iverson is going to shoot an extraordinary clip, Camby can't possibly improve defensively over his 2006-07. Unless Iverson decides to stem his turnovers (not likely), the only real category of reasonable improvement is rebounding, and the only person who can actually affect change there is Carmelo.

Ziller: ...

Bizarro: ...

Lady: They should get Kleiza more minutes though too, he's hot.

Ziller: Let's move over to Utah. Should they have pulled the trigger on Marion for Kirilenko?

Bizarro: Absolutely. The offense was elite with AK doing jack. Matrix would have at least kept the defense on the level and added some fast break and three-point capabilities the Jazz currently lack. Marion is a championship for a team with Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, and Mehmet Okur.

Lady: I don't think Matrix would've changed much. He's not much more efficient than Utah's current top three options, and his off-ball defense is worse than Kirilenko's. His ability to perform without touches would have been an improvement, but not enough to really matter. Utah's deficiencies are on defense and Kirilenko is clearly their best defensive player. They should look to move Okur for a similarly priced or cheaper defensive big, or roll the dice with a Boozer/Kirilenko/Paul Millsap front line, get someone like Corey Maggette to add some muscle and scoring at the swing position, and find a new home for Okur. He's the most expendable of the three forwards.

Ziller: I'm surprised Utah hasn't found someone to play two-guard in the past three years. It's been a need forever, really. Ronnie Brewer's fine, but he doesn't take threes... which means Okur is really your only deep threat. Eventually, teams are going to break the Williams/Boozer pick-and-roll (like San Antonio did) and the Jazz will get to watch Kirilenko shoot 21% from three again. Fun times.

Lady: Deron's range is improving -- he shot 32% from deep last year and that number should continue to rise. And while they still have Okur, he's a great option at the arc. Where Brewer and Millsap fit in so well in when Boozer draws doubles on the block -- Brewer can't shoot but he has a nice enough slashing repertoire to help, and Millsap lets them attack mismatches and force attention away from the primary scorers. This team is set up pretty well with its current roster; if they do move Okur they definitely need a scoring wing, though.

Bizarro: Someone who can shoot from three? Like... Shawn Marion?

Lady: Go to hell, smartass.

Ziller: He's really a punk, isn't he?

Lady: Yeah, don't invite him next time.

Bizarro: Hey!

The Human Fund

It's time to get a bit more sincere...

Final Standings
1. Utah (49-33)
2. Denver (46-36)
3. Portland (27-55)
4. Minnesota (24-58)
5. Seattle (20-62)
-------------
Northwest MVP: Carlos "22/10" Boozer
Nortwest ROY: Kyrylo Fesenko (Just kidding.) Kevin Durant
Playoffs (Seed): Utah (4), Denver (6)
All-NBA: None
All-Star: Carmelo, Iverson, Deron, Boozer
Kirilenko's Final Verdict: Slightly better output, much better PR, Sloan retirement by July 1.

Next week: The merciful conclusion!