Ballhype's NBA Festivus has brought you plenty of reasons you should not be optimistic about your favorite team heading into 2007-08. We already made bad jokes about The Atlantic and the Southeast, the Central, the Southwest and the Northwest. Today, sweet sweet closure with the Pacific.

Last October, you could've argued the Pacific -- top to bottom -- was the deepest division in basketball. My, my, my... how things have changed.

Airing of Grievances

(I am a Kings fan through and through, so let's get this out of the way quickly, OK?) Patience is a nice word for failure. Geoff Petrie would chalk up this summer -- a supposed rebuild that never started -- to patience. The right deals weren't available; people were offering too little; the market was just kind-of terrible. Blah blah blah. Whatever. Few teams need an atomic bomb and a mop more than Sacramento. But there was no explosion. There was Mikki Moore. A rebuilding team, looking to shed contracts... signing a 31-year-old center for $6 million a year? Even Indiana made an effort to bring in youth instead of NBDL retreads. How in the world does a three-year deal for Mikki Fricking Moore help you get closer to the salary cap level? How on Earth does adding another mediocre, poor-rebounding, perimeter-minded, frail-of-bone big man fix your logjam of mediocre big men? Rebuilding tend to value youth at the cost of wins. This move says Petrie values experience at the cost of wins and getting closer to another upswing.

Petrie seems comfortable rebuilding by status quo. Is there a worse thing you could do to your fans? I mean, fans love watching young players and picking them apart and praying they'll succeed. Fans love seeing all those ping pong balls pile up and dream of the college star they'll land. Infinite more words were written about Derrick Byars and Bobby Brown before the draft than have been since. Fans, we really don't mind the rebuild -- the fresh start is exciting and new and it eases the pain of all those losses. Watching this same roster try and fail again and again while half the roster gets closer and closer to 40? That doesn't ease any pain. It is the bad side of both -- your team sucks because it's rebuilding, but the rebuild plan is apparently to let all the bad contracts expire in three years, so you don't get to watch any of the fun kids or count ping pong balls right now. Watch this sucky team for three more years and enjoy it. How depressing is that, to know this team is just the bridge to a clean slate in three years? How in the world can I be expected to cheer on Mike Bibby and Kenny Thomas when they've performed so bad (relative to their contracts) no teams will just take them for junk so that we can get this rebuild started?

The Clippers could probably also use a rebuild. Elton Brand can opt out next summer; sure, he'll be coming off a short season due to injury, but he's Elton F. Brand. He'll get paid. The Clips will have to make a decision on Shaun Livingston (an unenviable task) and a good portion of the remaining talent (Corey Maggette, Sam Cassell) will be gone. What are you left with? Chris Kaman, Tim Thomas and Al Thornton. Sounds like a winner to me. If they do keep Brand in town, Elgin Baylor is seriously under the gun to bring in some guard talent. If Livingston can return to promised glory, that helps. But Brand and Livingston (plus those other three) do not a contender make. There's the rub. If Brand stays, you have no cash to add serious talent. If Brand leaves, you have some money but need twice the talent. Last summer -- the Kaman extension and the Thomas deal -- really ruined everything for the Clips in the near future. They didn't improve the situation by panicking and signing role players this year. Why would Brevin Knight and Ruben Patterson help you this season? They'll get you from 22 wins to 25? Great, you still suck. You think you're back in contention next season, with Brand healthy and Livingston back in the car? Riiight, good luck getting 20 points a night out of anyone who hasn't produced a Werner Herzog movie.

The Lakers screwed up long ago. As many state regularly these days, it wasn't the Shaq trade which sent Los Angeles into the void -- it was the Caron Butler trade. Really, I'm shocked that one didn't work out. The Lakers offense is still pretty good... it could be magical if the team kept Caron. And the defense wouldn't be that much worse; Kwame Brown isn't exactly the bastard son of Bill Russell. Instead, Lamar Odom's lost, Kobe's pissed, the franchise is handcuffed, Jerry Buss is itchy, and the fans are on the verge of revolt as KG went to the cross-country rival. There's only one way this team gets better before it gets worse: Jermaine O'Neal. If Kobe is in the balance, I give up Andrew Bynum's potential for J.O. Buss won't do it, though -- he's apparently too angry at Kobe and enamored with Drew to see clearly. I'm not saying Kobe + J.O. asserts itself into the top tier of Western teams... but with great roleplayers in Luke Walton and Derek Fisher on board, along with handy pieces like Maurice Evans, Chris Mihm, Jordan Farmar and Ronny Turiaf, there's a chance. The West has lots of stars, but Kobe & Jermaine would be HUGE. And it'll never happen, because Indiana won't back down and L.A. won't bite the big bullet otherwise. So the other option -- unthinkable trading Kobe -- becomes the quickest way to regained footing. Gooood freaking luck getting appropriate value back on that one.

Meanwhile the Warriors think they are flying high; I just think they're high. Actually, I admire Chris Mullin's work this summer. A lot of teams would have embraced the success of the spring -- going on an unconscious tear, improbably knocking off Dallas -- as indication the cusp was within reach. It's not. Golden State got hot. Lots of teams do it. Lots of players do it. How often does getting hot result in a year-long sprint of victory? Never. So while most teams would've kept Jason Richardson's bloated contract and sought desperately to keep everyone happy and ready for another run, Mullin made some deft fiscal moves and ignored possibly angering his star point guard by not budging in extension talk. The down side? Baron Davis can walk away next summer. The upswing? He won't, and Golden State won't be stuck with an unmovable contract in four years. I'm not sure Mullin understands last year was a fluke, but he played his hand like he understands. Of course, there's a glum reflection awaiting those around the franchise who still BELIEVE -- this team, as currently constructed, probably will not repeat as darlings of the postseason. I won't bore you talking about Baron's injury history; I will, however, draw your attention to the front court. Andris Biedrins is fine. Al Harrington can shoot, fine. ... That's it. Brandan Wright might not even be ready to carry Stephen Jackson's luggage this year, Patrick O'Bryant hasn't been seen in roughly seven months. This team can't pretend to defend the paint and this team can't pretend to rebound. As loaded as they are on the wings, there is NOTHING in the Warriors' cupboard up front. Speedy brethren Phoenix and Denver get by because they have top-tier bigs in Marcus Camby and Amare Stoudemire. The next person who puts Biedrins in the same clause as those two will be the first.

Speaking of Phoenix... this could be the easiest division crown in the history of royal bedazzlement. Phoenix may very well be the only playoff team in the once-proud Pacific; a far cry when you consider four teams made serious noise in 2005-06 (the Lakers and Clippers each took the Suns to seven in consecutive rounds, the Kings made San Antonio sweat, Phoenix damn near made the Finals). And honestly? Phoenix is less intimidating than last year. It's cliche to point at Steve Nash's back and his age... but cliches aren't always false. One of these years, Nash's wheels will get loose. When they do, Phoenix is dead. They still have great players around Nash -- Amare may not have deserved All-NBA first team last year, but he wasn't far off; Shawn Marion could be the top scorer and rebounder on about 20 NBA teams right now; Leandro Barbosa will be the league's best bargain the next five years. And Grant Hill is a good addition -- a solid playmaker who won't embarrass himself in any facet of the game. But guess what? Marcus Banks is still your backup point guard. Hill is your best sub for Nash, and Barbosa makes Eddie House look like Andre Miller. That's problematic, right? Even if Nash stays healthy, he can only play 35-38 minutes a night... you are once again relying on Hill and Barbosa to keep the offense going. The offense suffers by 12.5 points per 100 possessions when Nash is out. That's insane -- so much as a three-game rest for Nash sends Phoenix careening. And while I understand Steve Kerr's trade of Kurt Thomas and picks to Seattle for immediate cap room... that makes the team worse right now. Brian Skinner is a good defender, but I've watched him defend Tim Duncan. He doesn't come close to what Kurt Thomas did. Thomas saved about 5 points per 100 possessions on defense for Phoenix last year -- Skinner might end up approaching +2/100 poss on the season. The loss of Thomas will be sorely missed all season (look at what his injury did to Phoenix's defense the second half of last year), but especially if Phoenix runs into San Antonio in May. The move made sense financially, yes. But it might have killed Phoenix's title hopes for this year.

Festivus Miracles

It will be miraculous if...

Marcus Banks turns into the Nash backup Phoenix always dreamed of.

A team other than Phoenix wins the division.

Kobe Bryant gets traded to the Knicks without some sort of collusion or national conspiracy.

The Clippers sniff the playoffs.

Yellow Golden State t-shirts are again a hot eBay item in May.

Reggie Theus wins Coach of the Year.

Spencer Hawes wins Rookie of the Year.

A Sacramento King wins an award other than Stupidest Hair of the Year.

Anyone considers their Clippers season tickets a good investment.

A Pacific team doesn't end up with top five pick in the 2008 draft by trade or achievement.

Feats of Strength

So Lady Ziller shivved Bizarro Ziller this week. I'm actually not that broken up about it -- what are you going to do, you know? -- but the Lady is a bit shaken. I tried to get her to talk Kobe and Kevin Martin, but she kept murmuring something about Luke Walton and Britney Spears. I don't know either. Anyways, since this is our last Festivus, I figured I should sum up my thoughts on how the season and postseason will play out. We'll get back to that right after...

The Human Fund

It's time to get a bit more sincere...

Final Standings
1. Phoenix (54-28)
2. Golden State (42-40)
3. L.A. Lakers (40-42)
4. Sacramento (35-47)
5. L.A. Clippers (32-50)
--------------
Pacific MVP: Kobe
Pacific ROY: Al Thornton
Playoffs (Seed): Phoenix (3), Golden State (7)
All-Stars: Kobe, Nash, Marion, Amare, Baron, KEVIN MARTIN
All-NBA: Nash (1st), Kobe (2nd), Amare (2nd)
Kobe Gets Traded: Three days after Christmas.

And now, drum roll please...

Feats of Strength

Final thoughts in advance of another NBA season.

Kevin Durant has already been chosen as Rookie of the Year; Seattle Sonics fan have nothing else to look forward to, including the majority of Durant's career. (Unless Wally Szczerbiak in street clothes is your thing.) Minnesota should enjoy the Antoine Walker era, just as Lexington, Boston, Atlanta, Dallas, Boston and Miami enjoyed it before. (He'll make you forget all about Mark Blount, trust me.) Indiana has no shot at winning anything with or without Jermaine O'Neal; an angel dies every time someone pulls up the team roster. (Don't click it! Cruel bastard.) Portland will take a rain check on their epic comeback. (Rain check, get it? Laugh or perish!) Oh, also: LaMarcus Aldridge will be an All-Star. So stop prank calling me, Holdahl! Memphis will be the most exciting 30-win team in the history of the NBA. (And I don't mean the post-game Russian Roulette sessions between Darko and Damon Stoudemire.) Milwaukee has the most physically frightening platoon in the league (Charlie V. and Yi) and little else to surround Michael Redd. Atlanta will amazingly remain dark despite all the bright spots on that roster. The Clippers will amazingly remain in the NBA. (Count this one vote for relegation.) Reggie Theus will likely try to suit up for a game or two this season; this might be the least depressing thing about the Kings season. Philadelphia might actually fire Billy King, which could be the start of something new. (Zac Efron is the new Kyle Korver.) The fact that people are actually casually joking about the Knicks and the postseason makes me fear the apocalypse is near. Charlotte's playoff dreams died the night Walter Herrmann mistakenly clubbed Sean May in the knee with a lead pipe instead of Adam Morrison. (He got it right on the second try, though!) Pat Riley + Ricky Davis + Shaquille O'Neal: How could things possibly go wrong in Miami?! (Wade is Jesus if these guys actually make noise in the spring.) The Lakers are the biggest question mark of the year -- they could finish with 20 wins (if they trade Kobe for junk) or 60 (if they trade for Jermaine O'Neal immediately and Kobe declares jihad on the NBA).

In the East, I suspect Chicago will have little problem handling frisky New Jersey. While Jason Kidd is evil amazing, Chicago -- as presently constructed -- is too good defensively to let Vince Carter or Richard Jefferson go berserk. Meanwhile, Detroit should surprise folks by staying near the top of league. I'm not calling Amir Johnson an arsonist, but the young combination he, Jason Maxiell and Rodney Stuckey have formed should do well to spell the aging elite of the team. Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler can only take Washington so far, and Antawn Jamison almost screams "trade deadline bait" as the overpriced, expiring third banana. Washington's offense will always be able to be handled by Detroit's perimeter defense. Boston has supplanted Toronto in the Atlantic, and Toronto actually matches up to the Celtics terribly in my estimation. And while I certainly believe in Magic, LeBron James is too good to let his team flame out in the first round. But Chicago is good enough to spoil the Cleveland Pips, and Boston will ride Kevin Garnett all night week long in getting past the Pistons... setting up the Bulls and Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Out West, the Hornets stand no chance against the Mavericks. Call it "The Passion of Brandon Bass"; whatever. Dallas will sweep whomever they face in the first round, and I'm pretty willing to bet on this right now. Golden State can't recapture glory when Tim Duncan and the Spurs line up across the court, and hopefully Warriors fans will understand why Mullin did the things he did. The speed of a Phoenix-Denver series could actually kill some older folks; if so, R.I.P. in advance. My heart wants to throw dice in with these demonic Nuggets, but my eyes keep seeing Steve Nash laughing while he runs past Chucky Atkins over and over and over and over. Houston almost took out Utah last year; add Rick Adelman, Bonzi Wells and Mike James and hello second round! says Tracy McGrady. And those Rockets will give Dallas a fight -- a serious one, so serious Dirk Nowitzki might actually break a sweat -- but now is not the time, Houston; your princess is in another castle. I think we've seen this San Antonio-Phoenix matchup before, haven't we? I'm as sick of the Spurs as anyone, so what the hell: Suns in seven, Dallas-Phoenix in the Western Conference Finals.

KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen versus... Luol Deng, Ben Wallace, Ben Gordon? Easy choice, right? No. Chicago's defense will again be extraordinary; Boston's bench will be destroyed, reconstituted, and destroyed again, then scooped into an urn, put in a plane, and sprinkled over Lake Michigan. Don't let the names fool you, Chicago is serious... and Finals-bound. Dallas will always be tested by a visiting Steve Nash, and you could hardly ask for a more dramatic WCF than Suns-Mavs, even in 2008. But Dirk will not be denied this time, and Josh Howard will win the series MVP and Dallas again achieves Western supremacy.

Bulls. Mavericks. Romp. Dallas in 5. We all find out Nowitzki is German for "Up Yours, America!" as Dirk retires from basketball to star in a remake of Crocodile Dundee, produced by Mark Cuban and starring a brow-beaten Sean Marks as the enterprising lady reporter. The shark tooth Fedora makes Baron's bullet Fedora irrelevant. And the remake hits #1 at the box office. And the galaxy implodes.

We are all Nowitnesses.