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NBA Festivus: Southwest Edition

tziller posted 10/11/2007 from ballhype.com

Between now and the start of the NBA season, Ballhype's NBA Festivus will bring you plenty of reasons you should not be optimistic about your favorite team heading into 2007-08. Previously: The Atlantic and the Southeast and the Central. Up next, or now I guess: The Southwest Division.

What's more top-heavy than Jennifer Love Hewitt in just about every scene of The Ghost Whisperer?  That's right, the Southwest division over the past few seasons. There must have been some sort of reduction surgery on the upper crust of Texas, though, because things look a bit more balanced. Not quite Jessica Alba balanced. Maybe Anne Hathaway balanced. Or Scarlett Johannsen balanced. (Love me, Google and perverts!)

The Airing of Grievances

I will never yell at R.C. Buford; let me set this ground rule first. Red Auerbach might be his only modern era superior in terms of personnel leads; in the salary cap era, Buford and Gregg Popovich are simply unmatched. The laundry list of studs plucked from outer space is well-versed and shows little sign of depletion. No compliment I offer could possibly outshine three-and-a-half Larry O'Briens, so I won't bother you.

But this was a less-than-stellar offseason for the Spurs, right? I understand cap management -- believe me, I cry over a photo of Kenny Thomas every night. I realize the luxury tax is verboten in small markets, and I understand San Antonio is the smallest of markets. But I also understand this: You don't help your rivals. If you need to lose a spit of salary (Jackie Butler) in order to keep the books fresh, you shouldn't have a ton of problems doing so... especially if you're packaging a mysterious but voluptuous stud like Luis Scola as the bait. I understand a contract like Vassilis Spanoulis is valuable when Spanoulis urinates on a picture of Avery Johnson and vows to never wear an NBA jersey again, thus creates instant cap space. I get how this move benefits San Antonio financially. But you're telling me no other team in the league wanted to play ball on a Butler+Scola for absolutely nothing deal? Don't tell me no one else could -- several teams (Golden State, Atlanta, etc.) hold trade exceptions. And there's no rush; luxury tax payments aren't figured until after the trade deadline -- if you're a million or two over the threshold as of February, you can usually find a deal to slip you under (see: Alan Henderson last year). Yes, Scola was the supposed bait and it was now-or-never with him. But... no one had interest in a free Jackie Butler? You don't think you could rustle up a trade deficit using one of your expendable contracts in order to get your numbers right between now and Valentine's Day? Handing a rising rival to your throne a cheap starting power forward and a cheap center prospect, and thus saving said rival the pleasure of starting Chuck Hayes for 70 games... that was the best you could do? I'm not mad; I look forward to watching Houston early and often. And I know we shouldn't doubt Buford and/or Popovich for one second. But, really? You think your team is that much better than everyone else, that you can just say, "You know what, we have too many intriguing frontcourt players, let's send a couple to Houston, they could use them?" Meanwhile, you re-sign Jacque Vaughn, add a redundant 30-year-old defensive specialist it doesn't appear you have intentions of using, and extend a player so old Jesus once got T'd up after a no-call body check by said player. (Jesus got no love as a rookie.) Buford must finally be reading his press; King Midas is alive for now.

So what about Houston, they the beneficiaries of Buford's charitable largess? I'd feel more confident in the roster if it looked like Daryl Morey knew what he was doing. Yes, adding Scola and Butler, and trading Juwan Howard for Mike James (actually among Kevin McHale's greatest hits in terms of absolutely insane moves) help. A lot. But as of this writing, Houston has 342 players under contract. (Steve Novak drew the short stick and has to wear #147 this year. Sucks.) They have eight point guards (or something). It is a very bloated roster, one which will cost Leslie Alexander all sorts of luxury tax and buy-out money and overtime for the jersey makers and construction costs for an extra locker room and a big washing machine for the gym shorts. I'm no Galbraith, but the marginal cost of Steve Francis has got to be HUGE. What's more, Rick Adelman plays no more than seven guys a night, so carrying even 12 seems like a waste. The team must cut four players over the next two weeks just to get to 15... and of those 15 as many as seven may see no more than 200 minutes on the season. You know, the Rockets should just form a second team called the 'Houston DNP-CDs' for the D-League. They might give the Dakota Wizards a run for the title.

Houston failed in round one last year, and they sought to change things. Dallas failed in round one last year, and... well, everyone just made fun of them all summer. Good times. Honestly, I commend the Mavericks for not trying another angle. I mean, you've got a good thing going here, choking in the playoffs every spring. Why on Earth would you want something so basic as a post presence? Or a second star? You know, we'll just try again next time. I don't think Dirk Nowitzki's had nearly enough opportunities to carry his team and show he won't blow it every time. It's just all been bad timing every time he's failed in the postseason so far. You know, he drew the Heat right before Udonis Haslem's pact with Defensive Satan ended... he unfortunately got Don Nelson when Nellieball was off the wagon (and thus, brilliant -- sober Nellieball is atrocious, trust me). It's not like Dirk's Dallas teams consistently choked against the previous physical incarnation of the Oxford definition of 'choke,' the early '00s Kings. Oh, well... whatever. The regular season is longer and thus more important than the playoffs anyway.

The Hornets blew their load last summer, signing Peja Stojakovic to $2 trillion and Bobby Jackson to $300 million and trading for richest man in the world Tyson Chandler. It's too bad, on the Peja and BoJax signings at least. Chris Paul and David West make an able enough duo that a marginally reliable shooter or two could make New Orleans a playoff shoe-in. Morris Peterson (replacing Desmond Mason) helps, but Peja doesn't... unless Byron Scott has a time machine. That Peja contract was the kind of deal teams are supposed to give their homegrown stars after years of underpayment. Like, if Peja-for-Artest didn't go down, Sacramento could have paid Peja all that money and it would have been understandable -- they weren't paying entirely for future production, but also for past services. New Orleans got nothing from Peja the year before his contract, and the nothing the year after his contract. I could probably go on and on, but I'll just say this: the Peja signing cost New Orleans any outside shot it had to actually contend. Not ever CP3 can overcome the roster deficiencies in place due to Peja's contract. It's impossible.

Memphis had the opportunity to blow its load this summer, but someone must have opened the bedroom door at the last second or something because the contracts handed out were shockingly modest. Darko Milicic got a sane $21 million over three years. Juan Carlos Navarro's salary is irrelevant since Juan will just be sharing noodles and cabarnet at Pau Gasol's house all season. Even Casey Jacobsen is working for Otter Pops and Diet Coke. It was a remarkable summer for Jerry West's life-sized Chris Wallace puppet Chris Wallace. Kudos all around, there's no way this could go wrong...

...except for the fact that at the point guard position, you're relying the combination of a 19-year-old Robin, a 30something ex-stoner and a late draft pick who's coming off a pretty nasty injury to run an up-tempo team. This is going to be like last year's Grizzlies, but without Chucky Atkins, huh? AWESOME. I, for one, enjoy poorly executed high-speed offense and can't wait to see bounce passes hit Tennessee's courtside toneys and alley-oops sail into the upper deck. I think Memphis is going break attendance records this year. At the in-arena bar.

Festivus Miracles

It will be miraculous if...

Dirk Nowitzki gets a single MVP vote this year.

A third Rocket doesn't make a serious run at the All-Star starting line-up thanks to Yao's friends.

Peja Stojakovic remotely resembles the Peja of 2000-2004.

Rick Adelman doesn't place top 3 in Coach of the Year voting.

You're not already sick of the 'Adelman & McGrady, playoff chokers' storyline.

Rudy Gay scores less than 20 points in the Frosh-Soph Game.

Mike Miller isn't the focus of roughly 3,000 trade rumors between now and February.

Mark Cuban publishes a typographically flawless blog post.

George Shinn gets nothing but praise during All-Star week, and is regaled as a great NBA owner.

Bonzi Wells doesn't make every basketball fan with a soul smile at some point during the season.

Feats of Strength

With a nod to Colbert, I argue with the only person who will listen to me over some key Southwestern issues, not the least of which is the validity of using salsa made in New York City. We start with Dirk Nowitzki's Mavericks. And we thank Howie for immortalizing us in JPEG format.

Ziller #1: The Mavericks are still phenomenal and should be a favorite for the championship. The Warriors series was a fluke.

Ziller #2: So was the Heat series. And the Suns series in 2005. And the Kings series in 2004. And 2003 against the Spurs. And 2002 against the Kings. And 2001 against the Spurs. Dallas has been elite for six years. That's a long fluke.

Ziller #1: Dallas may have been good during the Steve Nash/Don Nelson era, but they were hardly the quality they are now. This Mavericks team is due, just as the Colts were due last winter.

Ziller #2: Great comparison; Peyton Manning is one of the greatest all-time at his position and a very willing leader. Dirk Nowitzki is... I mean, Dan Marino thinks Dirk needs to step it up in the clutch. Not good.

Ziller #1: How can you count out Dallas when they're coming off a 67-win season and nearly all the key players are still in their prime?

Ziller #2: Golden State 4, Dallas 2.

Ziller #1: Whatever, is Houston the answer?

Ziller #2: San Antonio's the answer. I think Houston is trying to rival Dallas for the anti-clutch title. In fact, the only way Dallas makes it back to the Finals is if they get to watch Rick Adelman on the sideline in a Game 7.

Ziller #1: On paper, that's a great team though. More than 50 wins last year with injuries to Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming and a prominent Juwan Howard problem. You figure Tim Duncan's going to get a bit more creaky any day now...

Ziller #2: Betting against Duncan and the Spurs is like betting on Fred Thompson. Or Mitt Romney. Or Rudy Guiliani. Or John McCain. It's an insane bet. Two elite defenders, an elite point guard, and an elite two-guard. One of those elite defenders happens to be the best center since Bill Russell. And if they need an edge at midseason, they have both the best GM and the best coach in the league. But yes, bet against them.

Ziller #1: The Spurs never repeat. And again, Duncan can't stay all-World forever. Any sane man has to concede the Spurs have peaked.

Ziller #2: And I supposed a sane man would also pick the Mavs over the Spurs? Do the Mavs even beat the Spurs at any position if you count Duncan as a power forward?

Ziller #1: Sleep on Devin Harris at your own peril. Tony Parker's overrated and not even a real man.

Lady Ziller: You would know.

Ziller #2: Oh damn.

Lady Ziller: Don't get too cocky there, #2. Pun intended.

Ziller #1: What the ...?

Lady Ziller: The Mavericks are boring. The Spurs are boring. Why don't you talk about something everyone cares about... like the Grizzlies? I love bears. Much more cuddly than Hornets, at least.

Ziller #2: The Grizzlies are Gay. And Pau. I can't wait to see Darko running the fast break. Good times ahead.

Lady Ziller: Aren't they the team with the chick player? Mike Miller, I think her name is?

Ziller #2: Oh burn.

Ziller #1: I like that team. They look good on paper.

Lady Ziller: Your mom looks good on paper.

Ziller #1: Is that even an insult? I think you just complemented my mom.

Lady Ziller: Whatever, Fabricio Oberto is beautiful. By my lowered standards, anyway.

Ziller #1: Who invited you?

Lady Ziller: Your mom.

Ziller #2: There you go.

Ziller #1: You know, this is an awful division to try to write about.

Lady Ziller: 'Try' being the operative word, I see.

Ziller #2: And... scene.

The Human Fund

It's time to get a bit more sincere.

Final Standings
1. Dallas (62-20)
2. San Antonio (60-22)
3. Houston (57-25)
4. New Orleans (40-42)
5. Memphis (30-52)
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Southwest MVP: Tim Duncan
Southwest ROY: Luis Scola
Playoffs (Seed): Dallas (1), San Antonio (2), Houston (5), New Orleans (8)
All-Stars: Duncan, Dirk, Chris Paul, McGrady, Yao, possibly nine other Rockets.
All-NBA: Yao (1st), Duncan (1st), Dirk (2nd), McGrady (3rd)
Dirk Next Gets An MVP Vote: The 2018 All-Star Weekend Three-on-Three thing, where Dirk plays the 'legend' role alongside current star Jimson Jackson Jr. (mutant result of a 1996 menage a trois, executed by Jim Jackson, Jason Kidd and Toni Braxton) and WNBA starlet Frou Nowitzki, the daughter of Dirk and Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky.

Next week: The Northwest.