What If... History Weren't: The San Francisco Giants

Welcome to the first volume of the BallHype Spotlight Series: What If... History Weren't. Tortured franchises and athletes surround us. The blogdome's best imagine alternate histories for their rooting interests. We've already looked at re-tellings of recent times for the New York Knicks, the Chicago Cubs, the Los Angeles Lakers and the St. Louis Cardinals. Here now, the incredible lyrical stylings of Grant Brisbee of McCovey Chronicles. Enjoy.

               INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

               BRIAN SABEAN sits in a New Orleans hotel bar, trying to fish

               a cherry out of the bottom of his drink. TERRY RYAN, G.M. of

               the Minnesota Twins, sits across from him.

                                   TERRY RYAN

                         Sabes, I've been thinking about

                         your interest in A.J. Pierzynski.

                         We've got this kid Mauer coming up,

                         so we'd be interested in moving

                         A.J.

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         I've never acquired a hitter in

                         his mid-twenties before. I've heard

                         that hitters in their mid-twenties

                         go all crazy if you pour water on

                         them or feed them after midnight.

                                   TERRY RYAN

                         Uh, right. Listen. I think we could

                         do this for Boof Bonser...

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         A struggling pitcher in AA who's

                         lost a couple of ticks off his

                         fastball....

                                   TERRY RYAN

                         ...Joe Nathan...

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         A reliever whose shoulder is held

                         together with double-sided tape and

                         Laffy Taffy....

                                   TERRY RYAN

                         ...and, oh, like, some random A-

                         ball pitcher. My scouts like that

                         Franklin Liriano guy, but it can be

                         whomever you choose.

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         It's an interesting offer. Allow me

                         time to talk it over with my staff.

                                   TERRY RYAN

                         You don't mean that glowing rock

                         you keep in your pocket, do you?

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         I don't expect you to understand my

                         methods. Please, give me some time

                         to talk it over with my staff.

               INT. HOTEL BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

               Sabean picks up his cell phone and dials a few numbers before

               he's interrupted by MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE

               FUTURE.

                                   MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE

                                   FUTURE

                         Would you like some celery stuffed

                         with peanut butter?

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         Well, I'm just about to finish

                         dialing a phone number...but, sure!

                         I don't see the harm.

               Sabean takes seven pieces of celery stuffed with peanut

               butter and shoves them in his mouth. He finishes dialing.

                                   TERRY RYAN (V.O.)

                             (over phone)

                         Hello?

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         Mamfff ag gagble yssss.

               SUBTITLE: I'd like to go ahead with the trade.

                                   TERRY RYAN (V.O.)

                             (over phone)

                         Brian, is that you?

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         Mfmmm gorrfa gorrfa sffff!

               SUBTITLE: Yes, it's me. I'd like to go ahead with the trade.

                                   TERRY RYAN (V.O.)

                             (over phone)

                         Brian, dammit, I don't have time

                         for this. Are you mocking me?

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         Mmaffmf flllalalfp grfff. Grfff!

                         Grfffffla!

               SUBTITLE: I'd really like to do the deal, but my mouth is

               filled with peanut butter!

                                   TERRY RYAN (V.O.)

                             (over phone)

                         I see how it is. A polite "no"

                         would have sufficed. I'll peddle my

                         wares elsewhere.

               Ryan hangs up. Sabean puts his head on the table in

               frustration.

                                   MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE

                                   FUTURE

                         Would you like some more celery

                         stuffed with peanut butter?

               Sabean lifts up his head.

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         Yes, please! Those things are good!

                                   GLOWING ROCK (V.O.)

                             (inside Sabean's coat

                              pocket)

                         Trade for Enos Cabell!

                                   BRIAN SABEAN

                         C'mon, Glowing Rock. He's not even

                         in the league anymore. Unless he'd

                         come back from retirement, that is!

 

If the Giants don't trade for A.J. Pierzynski, the Matt Herges-as-closer experiment doesn't last nearly as long in 2004. Joe Nathan would have stepped in to fill the closer's role. Dustin Hermanson isn't tried as a closer, and he doesn't lose three games down the stretch. Nathan saves all three games of a sweep against Dodgers in the final series of the season. The Giants win the 2004 National League West.

Kirk Rueter strikes out 13 in the final game of the NLDS. Barry Bonds gets on base 18 times out of 15 plate appearances in the series, and the Giants sweep the Cardinals. The Astros don't fare much better, as Bonds hits seven home runs off of Roger Clemens in the NLCS. Jason Schmidt picks up two wins, and the Giants roll to the World Series.

Curt Schilling catches a rare virus before his first start in San Francisco. His charisma and dexterity take a -2 hit, and his vocal chords are irreparably damaged. He never speaks again. Also, the Giants win the World Series. Fever Pitch ends with a sad Jimmy Fallon. A Boston-based scientist works extra hours to take his mind off of Boston's loss. He accidentally develops a method to turn salt water into fuel. The world enters a new era of prosperity and peace.

Tim Lincecum lasts until the 30th pick of the 2006 draft because this is my alternate reality, dammit. He forms a 2008 rotation of doom with Matt Cain and a healthy Francisco Liriano. Since the Giants traded Boof Bonser for Ryan Howard in 2004  and signed Vladmir Guerrero with the money saved on Mike Matheny and Armando Benitez, the 2008 team is a contender.

This all happens because we send someone back in time to give peanut butter to Brian Sabean. It's a foolproof plan. You have to listen to me. The first things I'll need are a DeLorean and a flux capacitor. The second is an attractive female glowing rock to serve as a distraction. The third is....

Keep track of the Spotlight Series at the BallHype hub or via the RSS feed. To get involved in future Spotlight Series, contact Tom Ziller.