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What If... History Weren't: The San Francisco Giants
Spotlight Series posted 1/7/2008 from ballhype.com
Welcome to the first volume of the BallHype Spotlight Series: What If... History Weren't. Tortured franchises and athletes surround us. The blogdome's best imagine alternate histories for their rooting interests. We've already looked at re-tellings of recent times for the New York Knicks, the Chicago Cubs, the Los Angeles Lakers and the St. Louis Cardinals. Here now, the incredible lyrical stylings of Grant Brisbee of McCovey Chronicles. Enjoy.
INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT
BRIAN SABEAN sits in a New Orleans hotel bar, trying to fish
a cherry out of the bottom of his drink. TERRY RYAN, G.M. of
the Minnesota Twins, sits across from him.
TERRY RYAN
Sabes, I've been thinking about
your interest in A.J. Pierzynski.
We've got this kid Mauer coming up,
so we'd be interested in moving
A.J.
BRIAN SABEAN
I've never acquired a hitter in
his mid-twenties before. I've heard
that hitters in their mid-twenties
go all crazy if you pour water on
them or feed them after midnight.
TERRY RYAN
Uh, right. Listen. I think we could
do this for Boof Bonser...
BRIAN SABEAN
A struggling pitcher in AA who's
lost a couple of ticks off his
fastball....
TERRY RYAN
...Joe Nathan...
BRIAN SABEAN
A reliever whose shoulder is held
together with double-sided tape and
Laffy Taffy....
TERRY RYAN
...and, oh, like, some random A-
ball pitcher. My scouts like that
Franklin Liriano guy, but it can be
whomever you choose.
BRIAN SABEAN
It's an interesting offer. Allow me
time to talk it over with my staff.
TERRY RYAN
You don't mean that glowing rock
you keep in your pocket, do you?
BRIAN SABEAN
I don't expect you to understand my
methods. Please, give me some time
to talk it over with my staff.
INT. HOTEL BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT
Sabean picks up his cell phone and dials a few numbers before
he's interrupted by MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE
FUTURE.
MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE
FUTURE
Would you like some celery stuffed
with peanut butter?
BRIAN SABEAN
Well, I'm just about to finish
dialing a phone number...but, sure!
I don't see the harm.
Sabean takes seven pieces of celery stuffed with peanut
butter and shoves them in his mouth. He finishes dialing.
TERRY RYAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
Hello?
BRIAN SABEAN
Mamfff ag gagble yssss.
SUBTITLE: I'd like to go ahead with the trade.
TERRY RYAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
Brian, is that you?
BRIAN SABEAN
Mfmmm gorrfa gorrfa sffff!
SUBTITLE: Yes, it's me. I'd like to go ahead with the trade.
TERRY RYAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
Brian, dammit, I don't have time
for this. Are you mocking me?
BRIAN SABEAN
Mmaffmf flllalalfp grfff. Grfff!
Grfffffla!
SUBTITLE: I'd really like to do the deal, but my mouth is
filled with peanut butter!
TERRY RYAN (V.O.)
(over phone)
I see how it is. A polite "no"
would have sufficed. I'll peddle my
wares elsewhere.
Ryan hangs up. Sabean puts his head on the table in
frustration.
MAGICAL COCKTAIL WAITRESS FROM THE
FUTURE
Would you like some more celery
stuffed with peanut butter?
Sabean lifts up his head.
BRIAN SABEAN
Yes, please! Those things are good!
GLOWING ROCK (V.O.)
(inside Sabean's coat
pocket)
Trade for Enos Cabell!
BRIAN SABEAN
C'mon, Glowing Rock. He's not even
in the league anymore. Unless he'd
come back from retirement, that is!
If the Giants don't trade for A.J. Pierzynski, the Matt Herges-as-closer experiment doesn't last nearly as long in 2004. Joe Nathan would have stepped in to fill the closer's role. Dustin Hermanson isn't tried as a closer, and he doesn't lose three games down the stretch. Nathan saves all three games of a sweep against Dodgers in the final series of the season. The Giants win the 2004 National League West.
Kirk Rueter strikes out 13 in the final game of the NLDS. Barry Bonds gets on base 18 times out of 15 plate appearances in the series, and the Giants sweep the Cardinals. The Astros don't fare much better, as Bonds hits seven home runs off of Roger Clemens in the NLCS. Jason Schmidt picks up two wins, and the Giants roll to the World Series.
Curt Schilling catches a rare virus before his first start in San Francisco. His charisma and dexterity take a -2 hit, and his vocal chords are irreparably damaged. He never speaks again. Also, the Giants win the World Series. Fever Pitch ends with a sad Jimmy Fallon. A Boston-based scientist works extra hours to take his mind off of Boston's loss. He accidentally develops a method to turn salt water into fuel. The world enters a new era of prosperity and peace.
Tim Lincecum lasts until the 30th pick of the 2006 draft because this is my alternate reality, dammit. He forms a 2008 rotation of doom with Matt Cain and a healthy Francisco Liriano. Since the Giants traded Boof Bonser for Ryan Howard in 2004 and signed Vladmir Guerrero with the money saved on Mike Matheny and Armando Benitez, the 2008 team is a contender.
This all happens because we send someone back in time to give peanut butter to Brian Sabean. It's a foolproof plan. You have to listen to me. The first things I'll need are a DeLorean and a flux capacitor. The second is an attractive female glowing rock to serve as a distraction. The third is....
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